


i picture it soft and i ache

by yousetmyheartonfire



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Coffee Shops, Everything is Beautiful and Nothing Hurts, First Kiss, First Love, Fix-it fic, Fluff, Libraries, M/M, Me projecting a whole lot, Post-Canon, Slow Burn, and generally being a gay disaster, neil is alive, the longest thing I’ve ever written tbh, very soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-03
Updated: 2019-06-03
Packaged: 2020-04-07 13:42:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19086223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yousetmyheartonfire/pseuds/yousetmyheartonfire
Summary: Once their days at Welton are over, Neil and Todd are left to find their place in the world. Two roads diverge, and they take the one less traveled.





	1. Chapter 1

It had almost been a full year of sharing a room with Neil Perry, yet Todd still felt his heart flutter at his compliments. He was absolutely positive that everything Neil said was completely platonic, yet the devil on his shoulder told him there was something else there. It had been a slight pressure in his mind from the very first day that Neil got him to join the dead poets society. Why was he so adamant about it anyways? Since the play, though, the pressure weighed down on him like bricks. There was something about that night that seemed to amplify all of his feelings. He tried to push these thoughts from his mind as he studied for his upcoming finals. He had enough anxiety about the rapidly declining year, he didn’t need to deal with these confusing emotions. The meetings at the cave had slowed since everyone needed to brush up on some subject or another, which meant that Todd spent far more time in his room, and, by extension, with Neil. They had been studying together for weeks, completely frantic over Chemistry. Neil seemed to have benefitted from his summer classes in the subject, but Todd was at a loss. He didn’t have a knack for science, unlike English. The limited sleep, coupled with the immeasurable stress and allergy season at its height, had finally caught up with him and he woke up feeling like he was seconds from death. He decided that missing one day wouldn’t kill him, so he stayed in bed. Neil promised to bring him his missed work anyways. He slept off his sickness and felt decent by the time Neil got back. Maybe he really had just needed a break. 

Neil filled him in on the day’s events and delivered his work. 

“Oh and we took notes in Chem, you can copy mine,” Neil said, handing him his notebook. Todd flipped through the pages and stumbled across tiny drawings scrawled all over the pages. 

“Boring class?” Todd asked. 

Neil shrugged. “It was boring without you.” The words made his heart flutter. They played through his mind for the rest of the day, keeping him up through the night. 

Then finals were upon them. He started waking up at four in the morning because of nightmares regarding the damned exams. Neil must have heard him frantically flipping through and scanning the textbook, as he turned over and asked what he was doing. 

“Sorry, I can’t sleep. We have finals tomorrow.” 

Neil sat up slowly, rubbing his eyes. “Are you failing Chem? What did you get on the last quiz?” 

“No, I’m not failing. I got an 85,” he replied slowly. 

“See, you’ll do great. You’ve got this, I believe in you.” Neil rolled back over, trying to go back to bed. “Now get some sleep,” he mumbled as an afterthought. 

Todd silently closed the book, laying on his bed, but he couldn’t get any sleep. He was far too busy overanalyzing everything Neil said. Surely the drumming in his chest was from the compliment alone, not the fast that it came from Neil... right?

Long after the stress of finals had left their minds, they found themselves packing up for the summer. It started as a sunny day with a sweltering heat that they couldn’t escape. There weren’t any classes so they slept until noon. Todd’s parents would come in a few hours and he wasn’t looking forward to it. It was bad enough to have to leave his friends, but he would be the very last person to leave to top it all off. His brother was being honored for some achievement that Todd could never live up to, delaying his parents for at least an hour. As the sky turned grey, the entire atmosphere of the school shifted. The kids who were excited to leave had already departed, leaving those with busy parents to take their time. Todd was glad that he wasn’t alone at least. Neil’s parents were held up as well, leaving the two of them to pack in companionable silence. Neil was unusually quiet and introspective. The rain started lightly, filling in the gaps of their thoughts. Todd had the miserable realization that he probably wouldn’t see his friends at all after this. College seemed just a jump away. A crack of thunder made Todd jump. Suddenly a switch was flipped in Neil. His boisterous laugh broke the dreary spell. Even Todd managed a hidden smile. 

Neil looked out the window, mesmerized by the rolling thunder and flashes of lightning. He looked like a cat, entranced by the movement. Todd didn’t realize he was staring until Neil looked over at him and smiled. 

“Let’s go outside!” He hopped up onto the bed, standing valiantly. God, did it remind Todd of the time Neil discovered his passion for acting. He looked so wild and carefree, but also like he knew the secrets of the universe. 

“It’s pouring, we’ll get wet,” Todd protested reasonably. Somehow the voice in his head seemed so far away. A much larger part of him yearned to go along with whatever ridiculous plan Neil proposed. He stayed seated next to his suitcase. 

“Exactly!” Neil jumped down. Even standing on the ground he seemed to float. 

Whatever excuse Todd was brewing up seemed to evaporate when Neil smiled. That grin of his, the very one that screamed mischief was plastered on his face. It was the same one he gave when Todd said he could take care of himself and Neil so simply had refused. The one that he would always associate with Puck ever since the night of the play. The refusal died on his lips as he let Neil pull him to his feet. 

There was a moment of pure energy that crackled when they were face to face, but maybe it was just the lightning. Neil never let go of his wrist, tugging him through the dim hallways of the school, catching strange looks from the remaining students. They reached the front doors and Todd hesitated, causing Neil to pause. The grounds seemed so empty with most of the school already gone. Neil let go and ran onto the grass. He spread his arms out and let the rain fall freely on his upturned face. Todd’s breath hitched. He threw caution to the heavy wind and let rational thinking disappear with it.  Carpe Diem. He walked out and felt the cool water drip down his face. He felt his clothing and hair slowly get soaked, but Neil was looking at him now with an unreadable expression. It seemed so impossibly affectionate, though Todd wouldn’t dare think that, so he let a smile break through. 

Neil grabbed his wrist again and took off towards the fields. Todd ran behind him feeling free. Something about the thrill of breaking rules and Neil’s hand so close to his made his heart flutter. He was sure this rush of adrenaline and just pure happiness would never wear off. They stopped atop a hill and saw the school in the distance. 

“Your dad is going to kill you!” Todd exclaimed, with more excitement than anything. It was just his nature to try and be responsible. 

Neil looked at him with unrestrained admiration. “I don’t care.” 

Todd hoped he would never forget the look in his eyes when he said it. Surely it was imprinted in his memory for eternity. They were so sweet and sincere that in that moment none of his problems seemed to matter. All that mattered was the pair of eyes looking into his. 

He thought about kissing him right then and there. It would be perfect, the last day at Welton, possibly the last time they would see each other. It was almost picturesque, surrounded by nature, caught in a storm. This was the closest he had ever been. There had been times before, but this time he swayed forward slightly. Neil had to have noticed. They were hardly a breath away. 

“Neil!” They heard the powerful voice calling from the distance. Todd almost thought he had dreamed it. They were still looking at each other, mere moments away from what could be a kiss. 

“I think that’s my father,” Neil said with no intention to leave. Todd blinked away the dream-like trance. 

“Yeah...” he felt his rush of happiness waning. His heart was still beating so fast that he knew he couldn’t leave it at that. A kiss seemed too much though. He looked down at where Neil still held his wrist. Neil followed his gaze and dropped his grip almost bashfully. Todd slipped his hand into Neil’s, trying to tell him something. 

Neil’s arms surrounded him in a hug. Todd couldn’t remember that last time he’d been hugged. He gripped at the back of Neil’s soaked shirt, tears falling freely with the rain. His message was surely received. 

The walk back to the school was awkwardly perfect. The rain was winding down and the sun peaked through the clouds. They were walking close together, but not touching at all. When Neil would accidentally bump his shoulder, he felt a spark of electricity, as though the lightning had returned. He felt light and forgot about the daunting future. 

Neil’s father waiting for him outside the room reminded them that actions have consequences. 

“Twenty minutes we’ve been sitting here and you come back soaked? Get changed! I swear I’ll send you to military school if you keep us any longer!” His threats fell on deaf ears. Todd awkwardly inched toward his suitcase until he heard Neil shut the door behind him. 

They quickly changed and Todd made sure to avert his eyes. The comfort of dry clothes brought him back to reality. He was staring off into his bag, probably double checking his things, when Neil snapped his fingers. He had clean clothes on and a towel around his neck, reminiscent of when he would shower after school. Todd’s memories of Welton would have to keep him sane this summer if nothing else. 

Todd met his eyes and didn’t know what to say. 

“You take care, okay?” Neil said, drying his hair with the towel. Todd nodded and Neil’s smile returned. “I’ll write you. See you later, Todd.” 

Todd scrambled to his feet. He surprised Neil when he wrapped his arms around him. It was comforting and real and Neil wanted to live in that moment forever. He buried his face in Todd’s shoulder. 

“You better write,” Todd said, his voice heavy. He had noticeably relaxed since this morning. 

Neil pulled away and brushed Todd’s hair from his face with a fond smile. “I promise.” 

With that, Neil parted, leaving Todd to himself for nearly an hour. His parents were late as usual and Todd was already missing Neil.


	2. old friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil and Todd meet after Welton and rekindle their friendship.

It was the end of July when they saw each other again. Summer had been too busy for them to make plans, but they had tried to write as much as they could. Neil had been away, apprenticing for some doctor that his father knew. It really was a shame that Neil was such a good actor. All that talent would go to waste if he let his father have his way. 

Now that high school was behind them, Todd realized that he had to plan out his own future. Neil had been so sure of what he wanted to do. He had it all figured out, even if it was impossible. Todd, on the other hand, had no idea what he wanted to do with his life. He loved writing, sure, but could he make a career out of that? His parents would probably call him ridiculous. Of course his brother had to be so perfect. He would always be the disappointment of the family no matter what he did. It was almost freeing to know that nothing will ever be enough so he might as well do whatever he wants. Carpe Diem after all. The lessons that Keating taught him still rang true in the real world. It was like this new world was revealed to him then. Maybe he could be a teacher like Keating. If he could do something to help kids find their way, maybe be wouldn’t feel like such a waste of space. This epiphany assuaged his fears as he decided on the nearby college for school. 

Todd’s thoughts would drift ever so often back to Welton and Neil. Every moment spent with him had a new meaning to it, but Todd told himself he was being crazy. His feelings for Neil had surely gotten out of control. He refused to let himself indulge in the fantasy that Neil somehow felt the same. It was clearly a ridiculous thought. He berated himself for letting his emotions get so out of hand. Neil was going to go to a great college, become a doctor, marry a nice girl, and have kids and a white picket fence. There wasn’t room for Todd in that equation. Neil has a future brighter than the sun, and Todd knew they were just high school buddies. He repressed his feelings with these thoughts until it became routine. 

He was riding his bicycle as the sun set, trying to make it home. He had spent the day wandering through the town, trying to find some source of inspiration. His mind wandered and he found himself distracted. A car drove by him on the road, shocking him out of his thoughts. He lost control of the bike, and found himself stranded on the side of the road. He cursed his fate and looked anxiously at the darkening sky. Behind him, the darkness of the woods prevented him from walking into it. He looked down at his punctured tire and swore under his breath. He should start walking now if he wanted to get home at all. 

When he lost all hope, a car slowed upon seeing him. He swallowed the lump in his throat as the window rolled down. 

“Todd?” The familiarity of the voice shocked him. 

“Neil?”

Neil smiled. “What are you doing out this late?”

“I crashed my bike...” He scratched the back of his head. 

“Want a ride?” 

Todd hesitated, feeling his old nerves rising. He hadn’t been nervous around Neil for a while, but things felt more important now. Eventually, he nodded and hopped in the passenger’s seat. 

“Where to?” Neil asked. “Heading to Chris’ party?” 

Todd huffed. “Oh god no, I was going home.”

“What! It’s summer, you should be enjoying your freedom!” 

Todd rolled his eyes. “I have nothing to wear,” he joked. 

Neil shook his head. “It’s a shame that someone so handsome should care.” 

He tried to act like his heart didn’t flutter at the comment. “Yeah right,” he waved him off. 

Neil moved on to simply small talk while Todd occasionally gave him directions. Neil filled him in on his summer so far as if it really was just two friends catching up. By the time he got home, it was completely dark out. 

There was something hanging in the air when Neil stopped the car. It was the presence in the room they refused to address, the ellipsis indicating that there was more to the story. It lingered in the car like the smoke from a crushed cigarette. 

Todd ignored it completely. “My parents are probably waiting... if they even noticed I’m gone,” he commented dryly. 

Neil looked sympathetic but Todd disregarded that too. “Thanks for the ride.” 

He anxiously left the car, just catching the brief “you’re welcome” Neil said before driving away. 

Todd thought about Neil even more after that, if it was even possible. Every poem he wrote became a sonnet about his laugh, and every scribble on a scrap of paper seemed to resemble his eyes. He was going to go insane if he spent anymore time on his own. He walked to the library, wishing he had a car or at least a working bicycle. It had been a week since the incident, and his parents refused to buy him another. He scanned the poetry section, becoming invested in a collection of love poems. Perhaps he was doomed to be a hopeless romantic suffering from unrequited love. 

He was going to check out the book when he met eyes with the cashier. Surely fate was pulling his leg. Neil Perry, glasses and all, stood behind the counter watching him. He waved him over and Todd knew he couldn’t avoid him. 

“I didn’t know you worked here,” he remarked. 

Neil looked proud. “Summer job! I couldn’t spend another second hearing about medical school.” 

Todd hummed. “Maybe I should’ve gotten a job. There isn’t too much to do.” 

“You should!” His eyes lit up. “I could talk to the boss about getting you an application here.” 

“I’ll clear my schedule.” Todd smiled at him politely. Neil nodded towards the book in his hands and Todd handed it over. 

“Oh the poetry section has been my favorite lately,” Neil said. 

“Thanks to Keating?” Todd guessed. 

“Among others.” Neil smiled at him and he thought he would die. “Hey, I get off in 20, do you wanna grab a coffee afterwards?” 

“That sounds nice,” Todd agreed. 

He flipped through the poems silently while he waited for Neil. August had cooled the weather compared to July, but it was still unbearably hot in his opinion. 

He read a particular poem by Keats that he remembered from Keating’s class. It was like visiting an old friend and still feeling the same as he did when he first read it. The metaphor seemed ironic considering the present situation. 

Neil was finally free and they walked over to the small coffee shop. Todd has expecting it to be crowded considering that school was out, but Neil reminded him that most kids were sleeping all day and partying all night in preparation for college. 

When they sat down, Neil filled him in on the latest news with Chris and Knox. Turns out, they did not last forever like Knox thought they would. In fact, they had broken up a month into summer vacation. Ever the romantic, Knox already moved on to another girl. 

“God, if I’m ever that lovesick just put me out of my misery,” Todd half joked. 

Neil quirked an eyebrow. “Got someone in mind?”

Todd would blame his flushed face on the heat, but the cafe was air conditioned. “No!” 

Neil smiled mischievously. “Come on, who is she?” 

Todd held back a sigh.  She . Yeah right, not when Neil sat across from him looking like a painting. 

“Come on! Do I know her?” Neil pushed further. When Todd didn’t answer, he continued to pontificate. “No, there’s no way. I don’t know anyone good enough for you.”

Maybe if they weren’t in public, Todd would’ve thrown caution to the wind and kissed his clueless best friend. He had a running mental list of all the things Neil said that made his knees weak at this point. Eventually he was going to break and finally admit everything. Hell, he’d almost done it the last two times they’d seen each other. 

“Fine, fine I’ll leave it.” Neil rolled his eyes fondly. 

They talked until Todd had to leave. 

“Did your parents kill you for staying out to late last time?” Neil asked jokingly. 

“Yes, I’m a dead man walking,” Todd played along. “No, I’m an adult technically. Plus, they have other things to worry about. How’s yours?”

He shrugged. “They’re out of town. The freedom is great but that house does get lonely.” 

Todd took the bait, feeling bold. “Maybe I’ll have to keep you company.” 

Neil smiled, showing off his perfect teeth. “Sounds like a plan.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes all my titles are mitski lyrics/songs that’s just how it is sometimes.


	3. cemetery gates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The two have a heart-to-heart in a graveyard, and Todd’s feelings won’t seem to go away.

Todd stood outside the house, feeling a sense of foreboding. They had shared a cramped room for a whole year, yet spending one night at Neil’s house felt so different. He shook it off, knowing he was being ridiculous. Neil was his friend, his best friend, and that’s all. It would be no different than any other night. 

He knocked on the front door feeling more anxious than necessary. Neil opened it with a broad smile on his face. 

Once they were situated, they sat in the backyard, talking about college and the future (or what was supposed to be the future).

“My father said that he won’t pay for college if I go for acting, but I just can’t be a doctor! It’s awful and  boring . I did get into a few schools, I just don’t know how I’ll pay for it,” Neil explained. 

Todd nodded. “I don’t even know what I want to do. I mean I’ve got ideas but I never planned anything out.” 

They continued to talk for a while, and walked through Neil’s backyard into a path going through the woods. The sunlight streamed through the leaves of the trees, making Todd pause to just stare. When he looked over, Neil was smiling at him. 

“Do you still write poetry?” He asked out of nowhere. 

Todd blinked. “Sometimes. Usually when inspiration strikes.” 

“You’ll have to let me read it sometime.”

Todd blinked. “Why?” 

Neil scoffed affectionately. “Because it’s  amazing and I haven’t read it in forever,” he explained. 

“Well, I don’t have any with me,” Todd lied. He rarely left home without a notebook to write in. 

Neil seemed to know the truth, but didn’t press the issue. “Follow me,” he said, walking off. Todd followed along just like old times. 

Neil led him to an old cemetery. He looked at the dates on the tombstones and found the oldest ones were from the 18th century. The letters were weathered away, leaving the people under them nameless. 

“A cemetery?” Todd asked curiously. 

Neil shrugged. “It’s actually nice once you get past the fact that all the people are dead.” 

They laughed at some of the names and marveled at the more extravagant stones. Eventually, Neil became quiet. Todd assumed he was deep in thought about something. Maybe he would tell him soon. 

“You know,I used to have nightmares about the night of the play,” Neil started. Todd’s heart dropped as he realized that Neil was opening up to him. They sat away from the graveyard, picking at the grass. Neil continued his story, “after my father came to get me, I dreamt about a million ways it could’ve gone differently. The worst one was when he kept me locked in the house for years and years until he got old and died, but forgot to let me out. I screamed and screamed but nobody ever came.” 

Todd processed the story and felt weighted down by sadness. In that moment, Neil wasn’t putting up some facade, he was baring his soul. 

Todd said the first thing that came to mind. “You were good. In the play, I mean.” They didn’t talk about that night much. Todd understood that it was something Neil didn’t want to talk about. His father never approved of it as it was. Maybe it was better to let it go, but Todd still felt an underlying anger when he thought about it. 

“My father didn’t think so,” Neil replied, looking melancholic. 

Todd thought for a moment. He knew he had to say something, but he wasn’t quite sure what. 

“Forget him,” Todd blurted, a little angrily. 

Neil blinked at him, slightly taken aback. 

“I’m sorry,” Todd said quickly. “It’s just... he makes me so mad. Why can’t he just support what makes you happy?” Todd looked off into the horizon, pulling at the grass beneath him. When Neil didn’t respond, Todd continued his rant. “I mean, he doesn’t bother to check up on you and then when he does, it’s to tell you everything he thinks you’re doing wrong! He can’t even appreciate real talent. Why? To force you to become a doctor? What’s so great about doctors anyways? The world has plenty of doctors, but he just wants you to throw away all that talent to satisfy his stupid ego...” 

Todd would’ve continued on, but Neil put a hand on his shoulder, causing him to look over. Neil was staring at him with humor sparking in his eyes. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you talk so much in one go,” he joked. 

Crimson bloomed across Todd’s face, making him pull his knees closer and bury his head in his hands. This only caused Neil to move closer and run his hand up and down his back. 

Todd moved his hands from his face. “Sorry, I got carried away. I know he’s your dad—“ 

Neil shut him up by resting his head on his shoulder this time. Todd looked down at him, sighing softly. That was his cue, he supposed. Yet he seemed to lose his nerve and sat stiff as a board. After a moment, he relaxed and they sat in companionable silence. He heard Neil mutter something inaudible. 

“Hm?” He hummed. 

Neil looked up at him. “Nothing, lets just sit here for a while.” 

 

Moments passed as they watched the clouds. There was no rush to go back yet, so they stayed to watch the sun start to disappear behind the trees. It looked almost red in the summer heat, but the sky melted purple. When the air cooled significantly, Neil stood up slowly. He offered Todd a hand and helped him up. They paused a moment, standing just a breath away. Todd supposed he’d been hesitant since he got here. Neil seemed to be the one initiating everything, which wasn’t unusual for him, but Todd still felt he had to do something. Feeling temerarious, he didn’t let go of Neil’s hand, but started walking back to the house. He pretended not to notice, fearful that Neil would see through the action for what it really was. Todd assumed that all their physical contact for Neil was only motivated by their friendship, but for Todd there was always something else. It dawned on him then what the word for his feelings was. Everything made sense now. He was in love with his best friend, and it scared the hell out of him. 

It really was too bad that he missed the pleased smile on Neil’s face when they started walking. 


	4. like all lovers and sad people, i am a poet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Todd’s poetry leads to the turning point of his life.

Being inside Neil’s living room was enough to make Todd reconsider showing up here.What if he said the wrong thing and Neil realized his embarrassing crush on him? Even worse, what if he hated him for it? It was all too much so Todd asked where the bathroom was. He splashed cold water on his face and noticed the lingering flush on his cheeks. He looked absolutely lovestruck and that was really the last thing he needed right now. 

He stared at himself in the mirror, trying to figure everything out. At the end of the day, the most important thing was to be a good friend to Neil. After all, he deserved it. He had always been there for him, always making things better. Now Neil needed his help, and he couldn’t let his feelings get in the way of it. He left the bathroom with new purpose in his step. 

He sat on the other side of the couch, keeping a fair distance between him and Neil. 

“I lied.” 

Neil looked at him thoroughly confused. 

Todd cleared his throat. “I do have some of my old poems with me.” He held up the notebook shyly. 

Neil’s face softened. “You have got to let me read it or I’ll just die.”

Todd rolled his eyes, flicking through his notebook in an attempt to find the least romantic poem. He found one that didn’t seem to mention love. It was more optimistic, dreaming about the future and such. “Just one alright?” Todd bargained. Neil nodded enthusiastically. 

As he handed it over, he caught the last couplet and hoped Neil didn’t analyze it too deeply. He watched his facial expressions, biting his nails with anticipation. Neil had a light smile, like he was recalling an old memory. Then his expression changed to a more curious one and Todd knew that he had caught on to the subtly hinted pining. 

Neil looked up from the paper and smiled. “God, if you don’t become a published poet one day, I’ll have to smack you.”

Todd waved him off. “I just picked one of the better ones.” 

He reached out for the notebook, but Neil seemed to have something else in mind. He began flipping through the pages. 

“I’m sure all the poems are masterpieces. Let me find another one, I’ll prove it to you.”

Todd panicked and tried to grab the book, but Neil was too fast. Todd moved to grab it again, but ended up tackling him to the ground. Neil laughed, holding the book just out of Todd’s reach. As he grabbed for it, the felt their proximity and his heart sped up. He inched forward and snatched the book up. He held it above his head victoriously. He didn’t realize their awkward position. Neil was laid back under him while Todd had his knees on either side of him. He felt his face heat up, but Neil was looking up at him with an expression Todd had never seen before. He looked like he was out of breath, but he was still looking at him with such admiration. Todd was sure that all the air in his lungs left him as he wasn’t really sure of his next move. It would be so easy to lean down and connect their lips. The turmoil in his head refused to die down and he couldn’t form a coherent thought. It was complete chaos and despite his efforts, he froze. Neil sat up and they were far too close for comfort. When Neil’s hand reached up to cup his face, he felt his heart fall through the floor. The question was in the air, though it remained unspoken. Neither was bold enough to ask it, but it still lingered in the space around them. Neil had opened up a world of new possibilities with one simple action. He was leaving the decision up to Todd, but Todd was too shocked to gather his thoughts. His mind wasn’t even racing anymore, it was more like the static of an unavailable radio station. He tested the waters by grasping Neil’s forearm, his other hand still clutching the notebook. It was like they were playing chess, taking turns moving pawns and knights but neither was willing to bring out their king. Neil’s other hand moved to grab the notebook back, but instead of reading it, he set it down next to them. Their hands clasped together. 

The silence in the room only exemplified how intimate the situation was. If anyone were to walk in, they would assume that something was going on. It was Todd’s move now. He could back out of this situation completely and bury any feelings he might have, saving their friendship, or he could do something much more dangerous. He could risk everything and let himself get caught up in the moment. He had no idea how Neil even felt, but he was pretty sure that friends didn’t do whatever they were doing. His heart got the best of him and he decided that he couldn’t take it anymore. It felt like this moment had been building up for so long, but he still couldn’t make the jump without knowing what was going through Neil’s head. 

“Neil,” he whispered. He wanted to get his attention, but realized that he already had it. He could’ve asked a million questions, but he was only worried about one at the moment. “Can I... kiss you?” It was out in the open now. Anything could happen. 

“I thought you’d never ask,” Neil teased. Todd had no idea how he could be so charming. He leaned forward and connected their lips while the whole world melted away. 

Neil’s hand moved from his face to his hair. This was something they both knew they had to talk about, but they were too preoccupied at the moment. 

As they parted, a pregnant silence filled the dimly lit room. This was so much more than anything they’d ever done before. They couldn’t just dismiss this, they had to address what had happened. 

Yet Todd found himself tracing the lines of Neil’s face, analyzing each curve curiously. They were laying on the floor, facing each other but not exchanging any words. Todd’s gentle touch was putting Neil to sleep. He smiled drowsily at the other as he reached out to grab his jaw again. He connected their lips first this time. It was a simple press of their lips, a promise to say more later. He got up and held his hand out to Todd. He accepted it without hesitation and they crawled into bed together. It was the best sleep either had gotten in years. 


	5. o you entirely posses me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loose ends are tied up.

Of course, Todd still woke up in a panic. At first he didn’t know why he was so anxious when he awoke, he just had a pit in his stomach. Then the events of last night came rushing back and his eyes snapped open. Neil was sound asleep, facing him and looking much too gentle for Todd’s nerves. The only calming element was Neil’s arm around his waist. It had to be early in the morning, so he had no idea why he was already awake. Then he heard the sound of a door closing and realized that they weren’t alone in the house. His mind raced. Did someone break in? Was the house being robbed? Were they going to get murdered? 

Then he heard Neil’s father’s booming voice. “Neil?” 

Todd felt pure adrenaline rush through him. Surely it wouldn’t end well if Neil’s dad found him in Neil’s bed. Especially with Neil’s arm around him. Helpless, Todd gently shook Neil awake. 

“What’s wrong?” Neil asked, kissing Todd’s jawline. 

“Your parents are home!” Todd whispered hurriedly. 

Neil’s eyebrows shot up. “What?” He ran a hand through his hair. “They’re early.” 

As they heard footsteps approaching, Todd scrambled out of the bed. Neil pointed to the floor and Todd rolled under his bed. He felt like Neil’s mistress hiding away like this. It was almost thrilling. He saw the door open and Neil’s father’s polishes shoes peeking through. Neil must have pretended to go back to sleep while his dad surveyed the room. Everything must have seemed to be in place, since he closed the door and left. Todd let out a breath he had unknowingly been holding. 

“That was stressful,” Todd said, laying next to Neil. They were both looking up at the ceiling as if there was something other than white paint there. 

“He shouldn’t come back here for a while. He has to unpack. I can’t believe they’re back early,” Neil complained. 

Todd looked over at him seriously. “We should talk.” He was surprised at the conviction in his tone. 

Neil smiled coyly. “About what?”

Todd tried not to smile back. “You know what.” 

Neil was the first to admit it. “I’m in love with you.” He looked at him with unrestrained affection—love—in his eyes. 

Todd saw it coming but hearing it still made his heart beat faster. “I- I love you too.” Todd felt choked up, though he wasn’t quite sure why. Then his anxiety got the best of him. “God, we could get killed for it. People don’t accept people like us. Your  father —“

“Forget him,” Neil echoed Todd’s forgotten words. “Actually, fuck him. Fuck everyone else. You make me happy, I don’t care what anyone says.” Neil was propped up on his elbow now so he could look right at Todd when he said it. 

Todd held back tears and pulled Neil’s face down to his. They kissed even though Todd was pretty sure he was about to cry. 

Neil pulled back. “Hey,” he wipes the stray tear from Todd’s face with his thumb. “Why are you upset.?”

Todd shook his head. “I’m not upset.” He buried his head in Neil’s chest. “I’m happy.” Neil kisses his forehead and everything felt right. After a minute, Todd pulled back and they laid facing each other.

Neil smiled. “When did you know?” He asked curiously. 

“Know what?” Todd asked, oblivious.

Neil roller his eyes. “That you love me?” 

“Oh god,” Todd felt his face flush. “I think I first felt it when you asked me to join Dead Poets Society.” 

Neil presses their foreheads together. “That soon? Was it my dazzling smile?” He joked. 

Todd grabbed his hand. “No... well maybe a little. Remember how I said I didn’t want to read out loud?” Neil hummed. “Well, you didn’t push it at all. You just said that I wouldn’t have to read then. You didn’t even ask why. I guess that’s when I started. I didn’t realize for a while. I just thought I had really weird feelings for you. What about you?” 

Neil smiled. “I’ve known forever. Ever since you walked in the dorm room, I just knew I had to get to know you. Why do you think I was so adamant about joining the Dead Poets Society?” Todd was flattered. “Then you blurted out that impromptu poem in Keating’s class. If anyone saw me they’d know I was gone for you.”

Todd laughed. “You know I almost kissed you about a thousand times.” 

“Pity you didn’t. We could’ve done this sooner.” 

Todd smiled. “When we threw the desk set on my birthday I almost did. Oh and when you stole my notebook the first time.” 

Neil squeezed his hand. “I told you you didn’t have to take care of yourself.” 

Todd kissed him quickly. “Then after the play I was going to but then your father showed up. And on the last day of school too.” 

Neil sighed. “He always ruins my life, doesn’t he?” 

“Well, he can’t anymore. You are eighteen...” They paused when they heard the stairs creaking, but the footsteps weren’t walking towards them. 

“Wouldn’t it be nice to not have to worry about him, or anyone for that matter?” Neil mused. 

“What are you suggesting?” Todd pried. 

Neil shrugged. “I’m just saying, it would be nice to just be able to spend time together without having to hide.” 

Todd put his hand on Neil’s face. “We are eighteen. We don’t need to stay here.” 

Neil sat up then, as if he had some grand epiphany. “You would go with me? If I moved out, I mean.” 

Todd smiled up at him. “I would follow you anywhere if you asked.” 

“How could I ask you to leave everything?” He looked pained, something Todd wasn’t used to. 

“Neil,” he sat up so he could look him right in the eyes. “You  are everything.” 

Tears sprung to Neil’s eyes, which Todd also didn’t expect. Neil latched onto him like a lifeline, making Todd just as emotional. Neil’s hands gripped the back of his shirt and tears now leaked through. Todd pretended not to feel the gentle sobs from Neil, just held him closer to let him know how he felt. He was reminded of the last day of school when he was so sure he would never see Neil again. He could’ve never predicted this in his life. He had dreamed about it plenty of times but now it was real and Todd would hold onto it if it was the last thing he did. 

Neil’s head was spinning. His life has taken a series of sharp turns throughout the year, but this was surely the best it had been. It all started when he met Todd and his world turned upside down. Neil had never been in love, not really, which was almost embarrassing as a high school senior. Then Todd walked into his room and took his breath away. He didn’t know what he was feeling really, he just knew that he had to get close to him. He didn’t admit it, but he had wanted to kiss Todd a million times. Whenever he saw him he had the urge and now it was happening. Neil never imagined that anyone could love him. It just seemed so unrealistic that someone would see him and want to be with him. He never thought that someone would be willing to sacrifice so much for him, but Todd just said he would do just that. Their relationship itself was illegal, but running away together was too much for him. It was even better than a dream, and no author could write something as romantic. It scared him to think that it all could’ve turned out so differently. He pulled away, purpose in his eyes. 

“Todd, the night of the play...” 

Todd tensed. He still wasn’t quite sure what had happened that night. Considering Neil’s nightmare, he wasn’t sure he wanted to. Nevertheless, he nodded encouragingly. 

“Well, my father dragged me home and lectured me about acting. He said he wouldn’t have it, how I’m supposed to be a doctor, and that he would ship me off to military school. I tried to argue with him, but I couldn’t do it. That night when my parents went to bed, I snuck into my father’s office and grabbed his gun.” Todd felt the air rush out of his lungs but stayed quiet. “I put it to my head, and pulled the trigger. The damn thing wasn’t loaded.” Neil let out what could be a laugh or a sob, maybe both. “It scared the hell out of me, so I just went to bed. I don’t know why, but my dad changed his mind and I went back to Welton like nothing happened.” 

The confession filled the room like black smoke, choking them to death. It was worse than anything Todd could’ve imagined. The full weight of what happened hadn’t even fully hit Neil yet either until now. 

Todd’s voice was thick when he spoke again. “God, I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you.” 

Neil’s head jerked up. “You didn’t know, you couldn’t have known.” He shook his head. 

Todd squeezed his hands. “Well I’m here now, and I’m not leaving. Just promise me you won’t try that again, and that you’ll talk to me about it.”

Neil brought his hands up to Todd’s face. “I promise.” 

He finally kissed him and everything felt better for a while. Then they heard a door close, causing them to jump. Neil laughed at the flush of Todd’s face, shaking his head. 

Todd grabbed his hands again. “I would run away with you.” 

Neil melted. “What about your family?” It felt odd to be the responsible one for a change. 

“I was leaving them for college anyways. We could go to schools that are close together and rent an apartment or something. My life is so much better with you in it anyways.” The plan seemed to make far too much sense, but maybe it was just the way Todd put it so beautifully. 

Neil smiled for the thousandth time. “When can we go?” 

 

Todd packed his bags and hugged his parents goodbye. Even his brother showed up to see him off to college. It seemed so innocuous after all, going to college, majoring in English, and renting an apartment with a “friend” from school. Now he just had to wait for the bus to go take him to his new life. Neil showed up a moment later, his parents no where in sight. 

“Been waiting long?” He asked Todd, who shook his head. 

“Felt long without you,” he mumbled. Being in public, Neil couldn’t kiss him then, so he settled for squeezing his shoulder tightly. 

“Your parents give you trouble?” Todd asked cautiously. 

Neil shrugged. “They’ll get over it. If they want a doctor in the family, they’ll have to go get the PhD themselves.” 

Todd smiled at him and they boarded the bus to head North. It had been a long journey, but sitting there next to each other, on their way to run off together was so worth every moment. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “when you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible”- when harry met sally 1989


End file.
